thank God for iTunes.

While talking is one of my favorite hobbies, sometimes I don't have words. Thats where music comes in. Here are my favorite songs at the moment.

JJ Heller is my new obsession. I think my iTunes has all of her lyrics memorized by now.

Ok, Last JJ song. Promise.

Of course, I have to represent my husband, Phil. These lyrics get me.

For my country music peeps

this is on my bedtime playlist and is just the best.

and simply because im still goo goo ga ga over train.

sooooooo thats all :)

love.

I've been super into Mother Teresa lately. Mostly because I've been super into love's verb-ness lately. I get overwhelmed with how selfless and serving humans can be, and how much God can work in us if we allow. Anyways, since I'm not in Calcutta I hope to do my best in California....until one day maybe I can go to Calcutta :) 

Here is a prayer that Mother Teresa wrote on the wall of her home for children. I'm all about it. 

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

...Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

...Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

...Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

...Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

...Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

...Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

...Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

...Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

Spring Forward!

I think I'm one of ten people in America who enjoy Spring Daylight Savings Time. Of course, losing one hour of sleep isn't the most fabulous of situations, but I still prefer it over gaining one. Why? It's the first step towards summer. 

I've always been a summer girl. I was born in the summer, and when I was nine years old I was so jealous of Summer Sanders because a) I wanted to host Figure It Out and b) I wanted her name. 

Summer means black skin and boat rides. Night swims and no make-up. Sweet tea and So You Think You Can Dance. Reuniting and Relaxation. 

I love the long hot days, and the creativity your mind surprises you with on the equally long nights. Good things happen in the summer. Bad things too, but mostly good. This summer is going to be especially good. I can feel it. Until then let's reflect on summer's past, shall we? 

I 

Jason Castro? Say WHAAH?!

We all know I love a good wedding. Of course, I almost hugged my CI 100 professor when he let us out an hour and a half early so I could race home and watch Molly and Jason's wedding. My eyes were juuustt about to overflow with tears when all of a sudden JASON CASTRO started to sing her down the aisle. Over it. American Idol contestants and weddings shouldn't intermix. 

Mid ceremony it starts to rain. I literally began SCREAMING at the television, "Somebody give the girl an umbrella!" Aka shield that Monique Lhuillier gown. Gah. I was dying. And one more criticism. I wasn't down with how MIA Jason's precious little son was during the wedding.   Annnyways, I love love. I think I've cried during every single wedding I've witnessed outside of Bridezillas. I love gowns and tears and vows and celebration. Too bad nobody takes the marriages seriously post reception, but that topic would require more typing than my poor college student fingers could handle.

 I guess the moral of the story is if Taylor Hicks sings me down the aisle, stop the wedding. And if it rains, do everything humanly possibly to ensure that there is not ONE drop on that baby. 

Karissa and Jaaaaake sittin in a tree...

The other day I was thinking about my studly fellow and panicked. I suddenly became obsessive about remembering every single little detail of our relationship, and then started freaking out even more about how many fun little stories I had already forgotten. I decided that I need to document as many details as I possible. It's important to hang onto. So, I guess this is the story of us :)

I started high school in 2003. I had red and gold highlights in my hair that was parted down the middle. I wore clunky black and hot pink vans and a roxy backpack. My face had just discovered what acne was, and I always smelled of either Tommy Girl or Lucky You. Hott stuff, I know. Anyways, I was a Jesus Lover and quickly fell into a group of similar humans. Jacob Allen Yeager was one.

I knew who he was, obviously. Everyone did. I never spoke to him. However, I did sit next to him in Jarod Warren's green honda on the way back from an FCA lunch. We were nothing more than strangers that mingled with mutual humans. 

I think I remember the first time I said his name. I was flopping down in my seat in the front row of Lab Bio, right next to Becky Oxborrow. It was relatively early in the school year.

"You know Jake Yeager?" I asked.

"Uh-huh," she replied, preoccupied by her lab book.

"Did you know he had braces?"

"He does? Since when?"

"I don't know. I don't think I have ever seen his teeth before. He opened the door for me on the way over here and when I said thank you he smiled, and there were the braces."

Her attention was suddenly caught, "Oh my gosh, he has a crush on you!"

"You're an idiot. What are you talking about?"

"I'm just sayin...He's never opened the door or smiled at me. You should ask him to Sadies."

"WE DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER!" And that was that. 

We didn't have any more run ins with each other until one weekend while I was at my dad's house. I was on MSN Messenger, because thats what freshman year consisted of. I was having a super normal conversation with Becky when she randomly suggested that I add Jake (superdude_123, :) obviously)  as a friend. Apparently Beck and Jake secretly became friends at some point in time, and he confessed that he did in fact have a crush on me...black and pink vans and all. I (kriskris_07) went ahead and added him. I was all about new friends.

So, we started talking and didn't stop until 5 hours later, literally. I don't know what it was. We clicked. Instant best friends. I don't even remember what we talked about exactly, but I do remember racing down the hall for a bathroom break or glass of water so I could get back to our conversation as soon as possible. 

Unfortunately for Jake, I was crushin on other peeps, and was a total brat and didn't even give him the time of day. It doesn't make sense in my head why I was so stupid, but I was 14 so I guess that sorta explains it. Anyways, we maintained this awesome friendship. 

Of course Becky soon told me about Jake's interest in me. We were best friends, and it was inevitable. I didn't really believe her, or at least didn't think it was that serious at first. But then I started seeing signs, really really precious puppy love signs. 

Example: Before Jake and I became friends, his hair was frosted. Give him a break. It was 2003. Anyways, I loved it. Give me a break. Again, it was 2003. Well, one Friday during brunch I told Jake he should frost his hair again. I left to my dad's house for the weekend, returned Sunday night for youth group, and tada: frosted hair :) 

I'm not sure why I didn't agree to be his girlfriend the moment I met him. I thought he was attractive, he listened to me and was always interested in what I had to say, he made me laugh, yada yada yada. I think it was just too easy, and I had to do the whole thrill of the chase thing first. Whatever. I think I'm going to stop for now. I'll continue periodically. I'm realizing now how much of these past 6 years I'm wanting to capture. 

God, in all of this.

      So, we all get it. I was depressed, and had GAD, and hated life. I've written about it (http://karissaelise.blogspot.com) and hopefully you've read it. I purposely left all of the God details out of the story to save them for a separate post, and then failed to do it. Since I don't want to bail out on God...here we go :) 

      I can't remember NOT being a Christian. There was never a crazy "aha" moment when I realized that I loved Jesus and wanted him to rule my life. I just did. We were pals. I could always feel His love. We rarely fought. It was nice. 

Then I got depressed. Then I stopped answering His calls.  He would leave messages and they would go unreturned. It wasn't because I was mad at Him. We didn't have a huge blowout fight. I didn't call Him names. I just didn't feel it anymore. It seemed too tiring to work on our relationship. All I wanted to do was sleep and sulk. It was as easy as that. My Bible got dusty, church seemed too early, and 88.9 was MIA in my car. Every once in a while I would try to rekindle the flame, but it got to the point where I didn't think it was possible to get back. Nobody knew this of course. But maybe they did. 

When the panic attacks started God started to make an epic comeback. I think it was because I thought I was dying and praying seemed like the only thing to do. Again, I was in church the first time I got a panic attack. I now see the meaning behind that. 

So I would pray (mostly in desperation), but I didn't exactly get the results that I was anticipating. Well, I never died, so I guess in a way I did. I didn't get a rush of "God is in my life" feeling. It was just sorta, I would pray, my panic attack would momentarily stop, and I would move on. Aka, I used Him. He knew it. Therefore, our relationship wasn't fixed. This went on for a little over a month. I felt like we were ok, though. I didn't understand how bad it was, because it had been pretty bad for a while. That was the new norm. 

  One night I remember hanging out with three of my close friends. It was late at night, in the middle of summer, I was well into having panic attacks, but nothing had happened that day. Anyways, we were talking about pretty heavy stuff (well they were, I was listening). The conversation was about spirituality, God, and after life. All of a sudden, so clearly, I heard my mind say, "You don't love God. You don't care to happens to you after you die." I freaked out. Thinking I had a brain tumor was like stubbing my toe now. I couldn't breathe, my heart hurt, my head pounded, and everything was fuzzy. Oh my gosh. I didn't love God. I wasn't a Christian. I felt trapped. I felt like I was just told my eternal destiny. It was clear, and simple, and straight forward. I was a God-hater. 

I sat with my friends for the rest of the night, and failed to contribute anything of substance. I didn't want to tell them about my realization. I didn't want to tell anybody. Nobody would want to love me now that I didn't love God. I went to sleep, woke up in the morning, and then heard another thought. It was a more peaceful thought. It told me to stop being a weirdo. It explained that the thought wasn't mine. That I do love God. I can anticipate an eternity in Heaven. I tried my hardest to listen to the new thought. However, for the next week or so, I battled back and forth between the two. Luckily, with the help of my momma and an amazing woman from my Coalinga church, I kicked the gross thought out of my head completely. 

After that moment, I realized that God needed to leading the way, because I wasn't very good at it. Soon after, I was able to start attending my church in Fresno, that as helped me SO much. Suddenly everything began to make sense to me again. I felt love, and peace, and hope. My chest stopped burning and headaches subsided. I felt comfortable with my Guy again. It was like being able to wake up in the morning without makeup and Snooki hair, and still feeling loved, beautiful, and worthy. Issues were laid out on the table, and we slowly began to address them. A dent is being made. 

I finally feel married to Him again. I know we will have ups and downs. It's inevitable that I'll be stubborn again. I'll slack in my share of the housekeeping. I'll be distracted by other areas of life, and will fail to give Him the attention He deserves. I may even be tempted to leave, but I won't and I won't be left, either. We are committed, and we won't fall into this ridiculous 50% of marriages end in divorce statistic. We are best friends for life. 

My favorite part of this happily ever after, is my new perspective of God. One of the reasons it got so complicated in the first place is because I felt pressure. I felt like I needed to go from Genesis to Revelations in 60 seconds, and kneel by my bedside with my head bowed to pray. Don't get me wrong, these are fabulous things, but sometimes when I try to pray with my eyes closed I fall asleep or start thinking about homework. Instead of feeling guilty or giving up on prayer all together, I find different ways to pray. I'll get Phil Wickham going on iTunes and journal pray. God is so limitless. 

I'll wrap things up with a chapter from Bible. We all know that I'm a Romans' girl, so here is chapter 12. I think you should take a peak, God-lover or not. There's good stuff here. Have a fabulous night, and a blessed week. 

Romans 12

Living Sacrifices

 ¹Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. ²Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

 ³For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. ⁴Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love

 ⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

 ¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

 ¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. ¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. ²⁰On the contrary: 
   "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; 
      if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. 
   In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

We're like totally Bff's!

I went to college in August of 2007. I decided that I hated it two days later. I shouldn’t have been so culture shocked. I was an hour away from my hometown. I lived with family members. It definitely was not a big deal. Except it was. I had a feeling I wasn’t in Coalinga anymore.

            For those of you not fortunate enough to know the details of my endearing little town, it is small. You start school at Cheaney Kindergarten. Then you go to Bishop for 1^st, then Dawson for 2^nd and 3^rd, then Sunset for 4^th and 5^th, then Coalinga Middle School, then Coalinga High School.  Students (usually) start together and finish together and learn everything about each other somewhere between.

            I’m not here to publically blast Fresno, or even imply that nobody in Fresno (or other larger towns) have friends like mine, but in that first week of college I learned more than I’ve learned in the past 2 ½ years of college. I learned that my  friends are special.

            Don’t get me wrong, like all friends there have been comings and goings. There were times when I thought some friendships just weren’t going to last, and some times when they really didn’t. I don’t want to focus on that, though. I want to (and feel like I need to) focus on how remarkable the lasting are.

            I know my best friends. I really really know them. I know that 5 seconds after he finishes his drink, Josh Warren will stick his hand in his cup and begin eating the ice cubes. He doesn’t just eat them though. He shoves a chunk in his mouth, bites off a piece, then sticks the remained back in the cup. It’s borderline disgusting. His car smells like summer and the Jurassic Park ride at Universal. Contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t love zebras. If you are with Ashley Jennings for an hour, she will have applied chap stick approximately 6 times. There is a good possibility it will be one of the jumbo lip smackers ones that 7-year-olds love. Right now she is maturing though, so it is rose scented. However, it actually smells like chocolate. She is guaranteed to be wearing at least one neon color, and her wrists are always covered in obnoxiously beautiful bracelets. I actually know all of her secrets, and will definitely be writing a tell-all book if she becomes famous some day J. Audra’s white Hyundai creeks when it makes a left turn. Also, the day she got the car, she slipped in a Panic at the Disco CD. It got stuck and remains forever. She has a birthmark behind her ear, and the Big Dipper in freckles on her forearm. She is also a kleptomaniac, so if you have a perfectly sharp number 2 pencil with a full eraser, guard it. BJ will make reference to the fact that he is good looking at some point in any night. He will also be sure to Scat (sing, not feces) and speak in his own made up language. He owns more clothes than I ever will. Also, Brooklyn. Somedays Jake speaks in accents. He also claims that every song is the first song he and his grandpa played together on the guitar. He is a hinter, not an asker, and will never let you throw away food.  They are my pride and joys.

            When I came to Fresno, and began conversing with my peers (which I gave up on in a week), I realized that they didn’t know their friends like I know mine. Perhaps their ultimate best friend, yes, but it was different. While some teenagers had Riverpark and movie theatres to occupy their time, we didn’t. We ALWAYS had to create our own fun. So we made movies, and toilet papered teacher’s homes. We spent hours upon hours playing cranium, and drove golf carts in the fields. We had bonfires, and deep conversations in the hot tub. We shared Pans of Gold at Perkos and indulged in sunflower seeds, Mountain Dews, and pepperjack cheese slices. Our entire lives, we were forced to be creative and partake in activities that require A LOT of bonding.

            We’ve grown up together. There are some awkward romantic histories (because for some reason, in high school, we never dated outside of the group). We are a family. It is horribly dysfunctional, but completely beautiful. We are funny, and obnoxious, and loving. We are comfortable with each other and share a bond that’s honest and pure. They annoy the crap out of me sometimes, but they accept that sometimes I just want to watch Dan in Real Life or Elf again. They know that I’ll fall asleep 30 minutes into the movie (even though I’m at 6 in a row! Horray!). They give me sinus massages, and I’ll pop their backs. I’m Kris, not Karissa.

            When I grow up, I don’t want to live in Coalinga, but I do want to live in a place that allows my children to make friendships like the ones I was blessed enough to make. I want them to make their own pizookie and have real conversations over sweet tea. I want my daughter to talk to her Uncle Josh like I talk to Steve Warren. I want the girls to spend hours in a white Echo at a park. I want my son to go camping and feel manly after his first cigar with the boys. I’ve just been very, very blessed, and sometimes I don’t remember. Thanks, friends J