God, in all of this.

      So, we all get it. I was depressed, and had GAD, and hated life. I've written about it (http://karissaelise.blogspot.com) and hopefully you've read it. I purposely left all of the God details out of the story to save them for a separate post, and then failed to do it. Since I don't want to bail out on God...here we go :) 

      I can't remember NOT being a Christian. There was never a crazy "aha" moment when I realized that I loved Jesus and wanted him to rule my life. I just did. We were pals. I could always feel His love. We rarely fought. It was nice. 

Then I got depressed. Then I stopped answering His calls.  He would leave messages and they would go unreturned. It wasn't because I was mad at Him. We didn't have a huge blowout fight. I didn't call Him names. I just didn't feel it anymore. It seemed too tiring to work on our relationship. All I wanted to do was sleep and sulk. It was as easy as that. My Bible got dusty, church seemed too early, and 88.9 was MIA in my car. Every once in a while I would try to rekindle the flame, but it got to the point where I didn't think it was possible to get back. Nobody knew this of course. But maybe they did. 

When the panic attacks started God started to make an epic comeback. I think it was because I thought I was dying and praying seemed like the only thing to do. Again, I was in church the first time I got a panic attack. I now see the meaning behind that. 

So I would pray (mostly in desperation), but I didn't exactly get the results that I was anticipating. Well, I never died, so I guess in a way I did. I didn't get a rush of "God is in my life" feeling. It was just sorta, I would pray, my panic attack would momentarily stop, and I would move on. Aka, I used Him. He knew it. Therefore, our relationship wasn't fixed. This went on for a little over a month. I felt like we were ok, though. I didn't understand how bad it was, because it had been pretty bad for a while. That was the new norm. 

  One night I remember hanging out with three of my close friends. It was late at night, in the middle of summer, I was well into having panic attacks, but nothing had happened that day. Anyways, we were talking about pretty heavy stuff (well they were, I was listening). The conversation was about spirituality, God, and after life. All of a sudden, so clearly, I heard my mind say, "You don't love God. You don't care to happens to you after you die." I freaked out. Thinking I had a brain tumor was like stubbing my toe now. I couldn't breathe, my heart hurt, my head pounded, and everything was fuzzy. Oh my gosh. I didn't love God. I wasn't a Christian. I felt trapped. I felt like I was just told my eternal destiny. It was clear, and simple, and straight forward. I was a God-hater. 

I sat with my friends for the rest of the night, and failed to contribute anything of substance. I didn't want to tell them about my realization. I didn't want to tell anybody. Nobody would want to love me now that I didn't love God. I went to sleep, woke up in the morning, and then heard another thought. It was a more peaceful thought. It told me to stop being a weirdo. It explained that the thought wasn't mine. That I do love God. I can anticipate an eternity in Heaven. I tried my hardest to listen to the new thought. However, for the next week or so, I battled back and forth between the two. Luckily, with the help of my momma and an amazing woman from my Coalinga church, I kicked the gross thought out of my head completely. 

After that moment, I realized that God needed to leading the way, because I wasn't very good at it. Soon after, I was able to start attending my church in Fresno, that as helped me SO much. Suddenly everything began to make sense to me again. I felt love, and peace, and hope. My chest stopped burning and headaches subsided. I felt comfortable with my Guy again. It was like being able to wake up in the morning without makeup and Snooki hair, and still feeling loved, beautiful, and worthy. Issues were laid out on the table, and we slowly began to address them. A dent is being made. 

I finally feel married to Him again. I know we will have ups and downs. It's inevitable that I'll be stubborn again. I'll slack in my share of the housekeeping. I'll be distracted by other areas of life, and will fail to give Him the attention He deserves. I may even be tempted to leave, but I won't and I won't be left, either. We are committed, and we won't fall into this ridiculous 50% of marriages end in divorce statistic. We are best friends for life. 

My favorite part of this happily ever after, is my new perspective of God. One of the reasons it got so complicated in the first place is because I felt pressure. I felt like I needed to go from Genesis to Revelations in 60 seconds, and kneel by my bedside with my head bowed to pray. Don't get me wrong, these are fabulous things, but sometimes when I try to pray with my eyes closed I fall asleep or start thinking about homework. Instead of feeling guilty or giving up on prayer all together, I find different ways to pray. I'll get Phil Wickham going on iTunes and journal pray. God is so limitless. 

I'll wrap things up with a chapter from Bible. We all know that I'm a Romans' girl, so here is chapter 12. I think you should take a peak, God-lover or not. There's good stuff here. Have a fabulous night, and a blessed week. 

Romans 12

Living Sacrifices

 ¹Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. ²Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

 ³For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. ⁴Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love

 ⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

 ¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

 ¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. ¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. ²⁰On the contrary: 
   "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; 
      if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. 
   In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.