It was July 5th. I was busy trying to keep my mind off of dying. In the mean time I felt like everything sucked. I didn't have energy to deal with anything, and even if I did, all my passion was gone. I felt like a zombie. I think I was.
I called my stepmom because I missed her. I hadn't seen any of my Sullivan family for quite some time since I was in Coalinga dying. I tried to keep in touch as much as possible. However, something was wrong this time. My stepmom, who is usually full of energy, sounded as dead as I felt. She tried her best to tell me everything was going well, but after a few minutes she broke down. After some questioning from me, she explained that she and my dad were having problems. I didn't understand what was odd about that. It was one of the reasons I became depressed during my year of living with them. I knew they weren't happy.
Knowing it was more serious than she was making it out to be, I pressed her for more answers. She just kept saying that I didn't need to worry about it. She didn't want me to be stressed about it. Then it clicked.
"He cheated on you, didn't he?" I asked calmly.
Silence.
"Are you ok?" I asked, still calmly.
"Yeah, sweetheart."
"He really cheated on you?!"
"Well, yeah. Kind of," she lied.
"Kind of?"
"He just started a relationship with a woman. I don't think anything really happened yet."
"So, what's going to happen now?"
"I don't know. Just don't worry about it Kiss. We'll figure it out. It will be ok." Her calmness mimicked mine.
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
After some I love you's, we hung up. I didn't really feel much. I was confused, sad, a little angry, but mostly, I was shocked. I hated adulterers. Affairs were something I had always felt passionate about, and here it was happening in my own family. I felt nothing.
Jake was housesitting, so after I got off work I headed over there. I needed something to comfort me. The news had left an eery emptiness in me, and I craved something solid. I sat with Jake on the couch and my eyes started to water.
"My dad cheated on Laura." I said.
He turned to me, "What?"
"Well, kind of, I guess," I explained to him what Laura had told me, including some other facts, like how my dad had confessed it to her the night before.
I cried a little, but mostly because it felt like what I should be doing. There weren't many feelings to back up the tears.
When I got home that night I cried a little more. My feelings still weren't present though. I only felt a sense of curiosity and loss of comfort. I saw it as just something else going wrong.
Days went by, and I did what I do best, ignore the problem. I had my mind on other things (panic attacks mostly). My stepmom periodically kept me posted. They were trying to work things out. My dad had supposedly stopped talking to the woman. However, I soon got word that the relationship wasn't over, and it consisted of far more than I was initially led to believe. My stepmom was ready to leave this time, however, my dad fell on his knees, cried, and begged her not to go. She stayed. I thought she should have left, but I respected whatever her decision was. They were "trying to work things out."
Ok, timeout. I've been working on this blog post for approximately four weeks now. I dread even thinking about it. The other posts came super easy, but writing this one has been exhausting to me. I think it's just because I avoided all feelings during this part of the series of events. I'm going to skip ahead to mid July.
Ok, at this point Laura and my dad had gone back and fourth a couple times. I was still convincing myself that none of this was happening. Anyways, I was at Shaver Lake with Jake and his family. Every year since he was like 7 (I made that age up, but it's somewhere around there), Jake's family rents a cabin (well, two now) and spends the entire week hanging out on the lake, and doing lake things. Also, when I mean family, I mean ALOT of family. Anyways, I have had the privilege of attending the past four summers. That summer was super exciting because it was the first week that I didn't have one panic attack. It was amazing. I felt alive. Mid-week, while we were getting ready to leave the day camp at the lake and head back up to the cabins, I got a phone call. It was my stepmom. It was over. She was leaving my dad.
I cried hard for the first time. Tears were raging and my chest was heavy. My stomach was turning and I just wanted to collapse. A carload of Jake's family was waiting in the parking lot and Jake was waiting for me on the trail. He asked as few questions as possible and helped me pull myself together. I look like a complete monster when I cry, but I climbed in the vehicle, and successfully made it to the cabin without a breakdown. Jake ordered me to go and take a shower to relax. I did, and came down just in time for dinner. I tried to play it cool, until I broke out in hives. I blamed it on a possible allergic reaction to some sort of insect.
I survived the evening and everyone went to bed. Jake and I settled into our spots in the living room. After a few minutes on my air mattress, the heaviness crept back. I sat with Jake on the couch and cried for what seemed like forever. Unfortunately, the time spent in tears that night would pale in comparison to the following year.
Ok, enough for now. Sorry for the short, and boring information blog. The next will come sooner and juicier. Promise.
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