indian giver.

Poor God. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm one of His more annoying children. I ask and ask and ask, and I receive. In big ways. My life has His fingerprints everywhere. Still, I doubt. I don't doubt God's existence, but rather God's abilities. Except, not even God's abilities. Ok, I'll just say it. I'm feeling anxious again.

It isn't lose 20 lbs, sleep all day, think I have a brain tumor anxious. That's a relief. I am just anxious in a selfish way. My confidence is dwindling. Security is weakening. Trust is definitely being tested.

Here's the thing. I like control. Not necessarily to call the shots, because that usually stresses me out. I just like control to have something to hold on to. It's safe. This is why I imaginary brake when I'm in the passenger seat and why I always volunteer to do the work in group projects. I guess that's pretty typical stuff, but it's saddening that I can't muster up the courage to fully trust the creator of the Universe. I could say that I try my hardest, but I don't. Obviously.

Let me set you up with a scene from a typical Karissa prayer session:

".....And God help me not to feel (blank) about (blank). Let me not worry about (blank), and allow me to trust that (blank). I place it all in Your hands. I love you and praise you and worship you. In Jesus' name, Amen." I take a breath, turn to my side, and get right back to worrying as soon as possible. Irritating.

I know I'm unique and irreplaceable. I've read those verses. God has told me, Himself. I know God's timing is better than mine. I've read those verses too. I know my life has purpose and great potential. Read about it. I know I'm safe in His arms. Sang about it. I'm just having trouble living it.

I know it's finals, and another transition period (which I'm not the greatest with). I know big things are going to be happening soon, and that I have a lot to look forward to this summer. I know that God is preparing to use me in ways that are beyond my understanding. I know I need to ditch the resentment and insecurity, the tension, and most importantly the control. I'll do it. I'm just having a night.

Ps. Big Guy, Thanks for being a lover of ashes.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters ... they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God" (Isaiah 43:1-3).