Intimate.

     This entry is embarrassing for me. In my opinion it's the most intimate one of all, and in turn, painful to write. With that said, this is not a pity party. Please don't think I'm being pathetic, because I think what I have to say is vital for women to hear (sorry gentleman). I do have one warning though. It isn't going to be 100% honest. Everything I state is completely true, but not the COMPLETE truth. Somethings aren't appropriate to address via facebook, BUT if you really want to talk about it and have questions I would love to talk about things one-on-one. Anyway, let's move on. 

     Growing up, I never really had confidence issues. I was lucky to skim through middle school without any major self-esteem problems. I was definitely awkward, but I didn't care too much. I went through pretty much all of high school with Jake as my boyfriend, and he always made sure that I knew how much he loved me. It was always enough. I never had any trouble talking to people or being myself. I was comfortable. Of course, I always had things that I wished I could change about myself (most in appearance and character), but my flaws never controlled my life. 

      A couple months after I found out about my dad's affair, I began to feel weird. It was a weirdness that went beyond my already established depression and anxiety. I felt as though I didn't have any worth. Suddenly I felt unlovable. I knew it was silly. I had tons of people around me who I had always thought loved me, but I began to slightly question it. I couldn't fathom why somebody would love me. I didn't think I had anything worthy to offer. My dad had made that apparent. 

      From the moment I was born my dad had one job. He was supposed to love me unconditionally. If he ever couldn't manage to put food on the table or shoes on my feet, he could always love me, and love me unconditionally. He failed. The way I see it is that whenever he met the woman that encouraged him to cheat on his family, and it came time for him to make the decision that would affect his future, there were two things that could have happened. He could have either not thought about the wife and three children he had at home, counting on him to love them, OR he could have thought of us and not cared enough to stop. Both cases are disgusting. I assume that latter is what actually happened. This thought REALLY affected me. If I wasn't worth sticking around for to the one man who was OBLIGATED to never stop loving me, who would find me worthy? 

      I began to resent myself because of this thought. I suddenly felt ugly, stupid, dull, and unable to ever be beautiful, intelligent, or captivating enough. I was certain that I had nothing to offer any man. This was obviously directed towards Jake. The more I thought about it, the more I knew that I was unworthy of love. 

       The obsessing started fairly quickly. I hated everything about myself. EVERYTHING! My hair frizzed too much, my brown eyes seemed generic (when you could actually see them that is. They were squinty and disgusting), obviously my nose was abnormally huge, and I was the only college student with this much acne. I showed way too much teeth when I smiled, and my lips just didn't seem proportionate. As I mentioned before, my weight had landed in the high 90's, and offered no evidence that I was a female. I was genuinely disgusted with every one of my physical features. Things I had never cared about soon mattered so much. 

      I specifically remember one Tuesday (I only had class MWF), lying on the couch and crying hysterically because I felt so ugly and helpless. I went to the bathroom, sat on the counter, and stared at myself, just judging and criticizing every single feature for nearly an hour. My words were harsh, and I was nothing less of abusive towards myself. 

     To top it off, I felt like my personality had been stolen, and I had nothing comical or intelligent to offer anyone. I was worthless. Literally worthless. Jake was going to abandon me. It was obvious. I knew he had already found a woman more beautiful, hilarious, and intelligent that I ever was or would be. Plus I was a maniac, so it was hopeless. 

      This is the part where I'll shy away from details, even though people will probably now think way worse things than what actually occurred. To summarize, I became insanely insecure, jealous, and paranoid. Of course during all of this there was a cue for beautiful women to enter, and I reached a state of mind that turns my stomach when I think of it. I became a different human being, a psycho one. I'll admit it. 

      In my head, I knew that Jake didn't want me. Of course, I also knew what he DID want. She didn't have a huge nose, even though Jake would assure me that my nose was perfect, and any other one would look ridiculous on me. She also didn't have boring brown eyes, even though Jake assured me that my eyes sparkled and danced more than any colored eyes he had ever seen, and that in the sunlight they turned Edward Cullen-ish and were amazing and unique. She also didn't have a goofy smile that exposed way too many teeth, even though Jake assured me that my smile was what attracted him to me in the first place. Of course, he was lying because that's what men did. My dad lied. He had obligation. Jake didn't. If my dad didn't think I was worthy, Jake surely didn't. 

        This sick way of thinking almost ended our relationship. I worked so hard to pull Jake close to me, and attempt that he would never leave me, that I did the exact opposite. I overwhelmed him. I wasn't Karissa anymore. I definitely wasn't the 14 year-old-girl who he had fallen for 5 years prior. I was in no way the girl he had spent growing up with. I was legitimately a different person, who was obsessed with what I didn't have. I couldn't grasp the fact that just because I didn't look, think, or act like (fill-in-the-blank) did, didn't mean that how I did look, think, or act wasn't good or worth loving. 

     This way of thinking didn't apply only to my relationship with Jake, but it transcended into all aspects of my life. I always think about how embarrassed I am about the people who just met me this past year. I was probably the most awkward human being on the planet. Whenever I was around somebody I wasn't fully comfortable around, I was constantly wondering if they were thinking about the fact that I wasn't beautiful. I was sure they were judging all the unfunny things I would say, and how I would sit silently like a freak. I knew they noticed the worried face I would get, and how I was cold and unapproachable. I'm pretty sure I ruined a handful of potential friendships. Sad, but true. 

     Pam helped me alot. She would make me do different assignments to make me realize that nobody was as flawless as I thought. She made me find positive things about myself, and to accept any compliment anyone gave me, and then periodically repeat them back to myself. To be honest, I didn't follow alot of the directions and that's probably why it took me so long to improve, but it felt reassuring to have somebody who understood, and made me feel like my feelings weren't uncommon. 

     I reached a point where it almost felt good to cut myself down. In a sick way I enjoyed convincing myself that (fill-in-the-blank) was better than me. Attending this continuous pity party became addicting. I couldn't stop. Until I did. 

      After a series of my breakdowns, Jake and I had reached our breaking point. We were both exhausted, and questioning if it was worth it. It was at the last possible second that I realized what I was really doing, and how ungodly I was really being (more on that later. I'm dedicating a whole blog to the God part in all of this). I realized how much of an impact I was having on ALL of my human relationships, Jake's being the most prevalent at the moment. For the first time in a long time I remembered how much we had. I'm not saying that our relationship prior to this was perfect in any way, but I had always thought there was something special about our relationship. It was natural from the beginning, and I could never picture anything ruining it. Here I was, doing just that. I knew I needed to get back to freshman -year- of-high-school-Karissa. So I spent a night in deep prayer and reflection, and I made the executive decision to do it. I finally let go of everything that the past year had burdened me with. Mind you, this was in April 2009, but better late than never. Now, I was SO lucky to have a wonderfully graceful man who was able to have confidence that he knew the real me, and patient enough to know that I would return to that person. 

     I have to admit, that I'm still weird sometimes. I'll find myself being harsh towards myself about things that don't matter, like the size of my nose and clearness of my skin. I'll also occasionally feel nervous around people who don't fully know me, and act like an awkward freak. But, all of that are normal things that normal people do. The difference is that I now when to stop. I know not to let my negative thoughts overwhelm my logic and control my happiness. That's what I hope can be learned by this little side story of my story. Something that starts as a simple thought caused from painful feelings, can erupt into something SO damaging, if left untamed. 

      Do I blame this on my dad? No. Even though I feel like I said, "My dad ruined my life," 5 million times last year, it isn't true. Did my dad do something crappy that made me feel crappy? Yes. I had a choice though. I could have understood that my dad didn't fail at showing me uncondional love because of something that I'm lacking. I could have understood that just because I don't see beautiful and flawless when I look in the mirror doesn't mean Jake doesn't think I'm beautiful. I could have understood that just because my dad had an affair doesn't mean that Jake will be lead to do the same. I fed myself lies. Nobody did it to me. I was in total control, and let things get out of hand. I will take total blame. What saddens me is that SO many women (not to leave out men, but I don't think like a man, and don't want to speak for one) have had feelings like the ones I've described. The reasons for it vary, but it's all primarily the same overwhelming feeling of feeling unworthy. It can however be cured, with hard work and prayer. 

Ok, well I'm not going to proof read this (I never really do) because its awkward to read, but I hope this helps SOMEBODY. If something doesn't make sense please ask. I really feel passionate about this, and would love to share more details. I might elaborate on some things later, because this doesn't feel quite concluded. Over and out.