Wrap up.

       My recovery from depression definitely wasn't easy or graceful. It consisted of many instances of me thinking I was cured, and then relapsing into a few days of feeling completely overwhelmed and hopeless. Luckily, after a mixture of therapy, doctor's appointments, and prayers, I broke my habit of convincing myself I was dying, but that wasn't the end of all of the anxiety. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I had an insecurity crisis, and experienced anxiety and depression on another level that I would have never expected. 

      I want to move on, but before I do I have a few more things I would like to talk about. Just some words of advise, if you will. I'll bullet point it. I love bullet points. 

• My Grandma Bonnie, who I mentioned in a previous post went to the emergency room about 3 weeks after my grandpa passed away. She is the one who had been suffering from depression for years, and she also had other diseases that made her constantly feel unwell. Something was different, though. After a series of several tests, she was diagnosed with Leukemia. She passed away three weeks later. I am weird about grieving. I usually focus the pain on how much everybody else feels pain, but with Grandma I felt a different sense of heartache. She died in depression. I know she loved God with all of her being, so I rejoice in the fact that she is now more joyful than I could ever understand. However, it hit me that I COULD NOT let depression defeat me. I NEEDED to gain control. Now, I definitely didn't right away, seeing as how that was in October, and I was fully cured in June, but it was a wake up call for sure. 
• I think I mentioned that I was put on anti-depressants? Anyways, I was. Now I am two things: stubborn and an idiot. I'm stubborn because I'm part Italian and also because my mom is Tina Morris. I hated being on medication. Not only because of the usual reason of it being scary and the possibility of the side effects being far more damaging than the initial issue. I was mostly miserable because I hated feeling that weak. It was hard enough for me to sit vulnerably and accept help from a therapist. It felt overly whimpy to me on medication. I realize now that it isn't true, and while I wouldn't suggest anti-depressants as the first step towards curing depression, it does prove to be beneficial in some circumstances. Now, why am I an idiot? When my therapist and doctor put me on the medication I was probably told 2 million times, "DO NOT STOP THE MEDICATION ON YOUR OWN. WHATEVER YOU DO, LET US WEAN YOU OFF." Approximately three weeks of taking the medicine, I quit. Cold Turkey. I told zero people I was doing this. Most people who know everything about my year don't even know this. For about a week I felt like I was possessed by a demon. I wanted to die. I felt like everybody else wanted me to die. I felt like I was going to be trapped in this state forever. Luckily, I could talk myself out of it and convinced myself that it was because of the medication. However, it was disgusting and scary, and I was afraid of telling everybody that I had quit taking the pills that I dealt with it alone. It could have easily been a disaster, but God is merciful, and I am blessed. BUT if you are or need to take anti-depressants someday PLEASE don't be an idiot like me. Listen to the doctors. 
• As I said before, I fully recovered in June. As in, four months ago. I haven't really researched, so I don't know how long is typical. I do know that it is a process. I also know that it is sort of a fun process. You will get BEYOND encouraged and motivated, and then you will feel infinitely worse than you did to begin with. To me, it became a game. That's kinda sick, and I'm probably the only freak who felt like that, but defeating the depression and anxiety was beautiful. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of every single person who has recovered. It's scary stuff. It is also a sweet experience, though. Don't give up. 
  

Well, that's all from me. I definitely was disorganized and confusing, but that's my story. I really hope it helps. Well I guess it's not the whole story, because I still have two more entries lined up on this topic. Next one is a special treat :) It will be written by a special guest. Clues: He is handsome. He writes well. He is one of the best people I know. Be excited :) Then I'll talk about God, and it will be fun. THEN I'll be done and will start blogging about not so depressing (literally) things. 

Romans 12:12.