"I think you've been having panic attacks," he said.
"No, I think I'm dying," I responded.
He smiled and went on to explain what panic attacks consisted of. I had experienced almost all of them. I felt like an idiot. The entire two weeks I had been having the stupid things nobody cared to explain to me that panic attack may be the cause of my symptoms. I had always thought a panic attack was simply feeling really nervous, but I never understood the severity of it and the extreme things it triggers your brain and body to feel. The doctor explained that a number of things could cause an attack, and it was hard to pin point the reason it was occurring. He did, however, inform me that depression and panic attacks usually ALWAYS occur together. He gave me a few muscle relaxers to take if I had another attack.
Now, the thing about panic attacks (at least my experience with them) is that they literally distort your thinking. I had a great doctor sit me down and tell me, "YOU.ARE.HAVING.PANIC.ATTACKS. YOU.ARE.NOT.DYING." Then, the next time I would get one (and even at times in between) I would freak out and convince myself that I was dying of some undetected illness. Anyways, that's just a sidenote.
Ok, alot of the following isn't in order, but I want to explain some of the other things that were going on so I can move on to another aspect of the story. As I mentioned, I was planning on getting an apartment with two of my friends for the following school year. I was so excited, and in the midst of the panic attack crap, it was something that kept me focused on good things yet to come. One night my best friend, Josh, called Jake and I to tell us his family got a new puppy. Obviously, we ran across the street to see her. I fell in love with the precious chug , and immediately needed (wanted) one. It was our church's youth pastor who was getting rid of them, so I called my future roommates to get their approval, then went right over to get my precious Chloe (aka Clover Grace Sullivan, who you are all obsessed with, right). She was just what I needed. Chloe was also so beautiful, that the moment I brought her home my mom went and got herself one.
Well that happiness didn't last long because both of the precious puppies got Parvo and almost died. I was devastated, and of course this caused even more stress and anxiety. For a week I did nothing but watch Chloe vomit, have diarrhea, and virtually lose all the weight on her body. I had to continually shoot antibiotics and Pedia-lite down her little mouth. Luckily, they both lived.
Then I found out that I wasn't going to be able to get an apartment. The other girls were ready to move, and I realized that financially it was impossible for me. I was devastated that I was going to have to spend another year living on the ranch, not that I didn't love my family, but the loneliness was miserable. Nobody was ever around, my mind wasn't being stimulated, and the commute to school every day STRESSED ME OUT (especially during fog season). I felt hopeless, literally hopeless.
Now, please don't laugh (too much) at the following section. As ridiculous and irrational it all is, it was completely real in my head.
During the summer (and for a couple months after) I went to the doctor about 20 time. I always exaggerate numbers, but I'm not this time. You all know about my brain tumor, but I (along with Web MD) diagnosed myself with a number of life threatening diseases. Here are a few:
1) Stomach Cancer: I had the most awful stomach pains, that were accompanied with diarrhea and constipation. I knew it wasn't the stomach flu, so of course, it had to be cancer. These symptoms lasted for weeks, and also made me lose my appetite. I was either sick or anxious, so I rarely ate (which is the complete opposite of my usual behavior). During the course of my panic attack issues I reached a mere 99lbs, which is completely disgusting, I know. However, it was even more reason for me to believe I was dying. Oh, this was all due to Irritable Bowel Syndrome, by the way. It commonly accompanies the other symptoms of panic attacks.
2) Skin Cancer: I had had a horrible mole on the top of my head for almost all of my life. I don't mean freckle either, it was a HUGE sucker. The most common things it was compared to were a tick and a pencil eraser. Lovely, right? Anyways, it always bothered me, but mostly because hair cuts were incredibly stressful. For the most part, it was just funny. My friends loved it, and a couple guys even named him (yes, him), Steve. Suddenly, it wasn't so funny though. Now, I was sure Steve was killing me. I panicked, and went to the doctor about it. He told me he was sure there was nothing to worry about, but he would remove it if it made me feel better. They had to shave the area around Steve, along with shots on and around him to numb for the procedure. Anyways, a couple minutes and a bleeding bald spot later, my beloved Steve was shipped off to the lab only to reveal he was not cancerous. Poor little guy. Good thing is, haircuts are lovely now.
3) Ovarian Cancer: Long story short, I didn't have a period for two months because of all the stress and not eating. I thought it was cancer, so had to go to the stupid gynecologist to debunk that one.
4) Deadly skin infection: I have a sore in my nose that I thought was going to kill me.
5) Jaw Cancer: My jaw is slightly crooked, so I thought that the side that was lower had a tumor. I was also suffering from TMJ, so it was tense and sore all the time. That made it worse.
6)Diabetes: The tingling from the attacks convinced me I was diabetic.
7) Heart Disease: I had constant chest pains. This is another thing that comes along with anxiety.
Anyways, there were lots more, but these were the highlights. My doctor is amazing though, and patiently comforted me during every visit. I can't thank him enough. Sorry, for the slightly boring post. Another one is coming soon.
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